9:59 p.m.

23/04/2019



9:59 p.m. i am lying in bed with my laptop writing this. i am writing this after the crazy ramblings you are yet to read. i just wanted to quickly explain why i am sharing this. 
i feel that recently i have become distant from my truest form of expression, writing. i feel like i am writing for others, not myself. i am sensoring, editing, toning down my truth. 
so this raw expression i am sharing is to recentre myself. to bring me back to myself, why i create,
why i write, why i share. to tell my truth. to inspire. to spread love. to heal. 
so this is written from the deepest depths of my heart, so please receive it with love.
love always, from me to you,
and enjoy....

I heard the words exactly when i was intended to hear them. exactly when i needed to hear them i did. i rememeber perfectly, not jjst the image of it but the feeling. of sitting in my room, rugged up in bed, and stumbling across some girl who was making vodeos about living in hawaii. i remember the energy she was pouring outwards, strong, helaing, inspiring. love. every inch of me ached to create. i wanted to write, to paint, to film, to excpllore, to travel. i was filled with such a surge of energy., this feeling tahty i could do absiolutely anything. like for the first time in my life i didn't have to do excatly what was expected of me. i didn't have to be like everyone else. i could change. i could grow. i could heal. fuck. i remeber that feeluing so well. like a literal breath of air. i COULD heal. i felt this overhwelming, undeniable shift. words cannot begin to capture what i felt. they can dance around the idea and illude to the feeling.m but what i felt was undescribable. it weas like freedom and drive and excitement and peace and love. i was under the wave for so long i lost touch with the sunlight. dammit i forgot i was even holding my breath., until finally, i bretahed. and fuck it felt amamzing. it was this random stanger who i found through thisz crazy matrix that is teh internet. this girl who had chased her dreams. who was healing. who was vulnerable, who was speaking her truth. the feeling that girl gave me. well it changed my lif eforever. never underestimat ethe power of words. if you have something to sya. say it dammit. fucking scream it from the roof tops. becuase i bet theres someone, just like i was, who needed to hear your words. excalty how and excatly when you said them.
sometimes i return back to these videos of this girl. when im feeling stangnant or blocked. like i have become out of touch with msyhelf. but every time i do, they don't have the saem effect. for as fucking magical as those words were, they were for then, not now. it was a different time and i can't go back tehre. i don't want to. i have had so many m,ore undecribably magical moments since then. all i belive wouldn't have happned if i hadn't watched that video and heard those words when i did. if i hadn't felt how i did, i couldn't feel how i do. so i don't wanna go abck to that feeling. i can't watch the vodeos and expect to have the same feeling. i need to keep going forward, evolving, growing, creating. like right now. pouring out the ramblings of, lets be honest, a crazy person. cause aren;t we all a lil crazy? so lets all just create and flow. unsensored, vulnerbale, raw and real. no back space. no spell check. my thougfhts are too quick my fingers can't keep up. but anyway i flow with teh words. and fuck it feel samzing to just keep on writing.

as i write this my heart is bursting with this overwhelming inspiration, this drive, this love driven flow. and my brain, well that's, as usual, working too fast for my body to keep up. so yes this is messy, but it's my mess. the inner workings of a messy persons brain. raw and uncensored. i share this with so so much love in my heart for you. and with so much excitement for what the future will hold. and if your not quite the same level of crazy as me, you can read the edited (still very vulnerable and authentic, just more legible) piece below... 


I heard the words exactly when i was intended to hear them. exactly when i needed to hear them i did. i remember perfectly, not just the image of it but the feeling. of sitting in my room, rugged up in bed, and stumbling across some girl who was making videos about living in hawaii. i remember the energy she was pouring outwards, strong, healing, inspiring. love. every inch of me ached to create. i wanted to write, to paint, to film, to explore, to travel. i was filled with such a surge of energy. this feeling that i could do absolutely anything. like for the first time in my life i didn't have to do exactly what was expected of me. i didn't have to be like everyone else. i could change. i could grow. i could heal. fuck. i remember that feeling so well. like a literal breath of air. i COULD heal. i felt this overwhelming, undeniable shift. words cannot begin to capture what i felt. they can dance around the idea and allude to the feeling. but what i felt was indescribable. it was like freedom and drive and excitement and peace and love. i was under the wave for so long i lost touch with the sunlight. dammit i forgot i was even holding my breath. until finally, i breathed. and fuck it felt amazing. it was this random stranger who i found through this crazy matrix that is the internet. this girl who had chased her dreams. who was healing. who was vulnerable, who was speaking her truth. the feeling that girl gave me. well it changed my life forever. never underestimate the power of words. if you have something to say. say it dammit. fucking scream it from the rooftops. because i bet there's someone, just like i was, who needed to hear your words. exactly how and exactly when you said them. 
sometimes i return back to these videos of this girl. when i'm feeling stagnant or blocked. like i have become out of touch with myself. but every time i do, they don't have the same effect. for as fucking magical as those words were, they were for then, not now. it was a different time and i can't go back there. i don't want to. i have had so many more indescribably magical moments since then. all i believe wouldn't have happened if i hadn't watched that video and heard those words when i did. if i hadn't felt how i did, i couldn't feel how i do. so i don't wanna go back to that feeling. i can't watch the videos and expect to have the same feeling. i need to keep going forward, evolving, growing, creating. like right now. pouring out the ramblings of, let's be honest, a crazy person. cause aren't we all a lil crazy? so let's all just create and flow. uncensored, vulnerable, raw and real. no backspace. no spell check. my thoughts are too quick my fingers can't keep up. but anyway i flow with the words. and fuck it feels amazing to just keep on writing.

p.s. if you were wondering... the videos of the girl i stumbled upon were an angel known as claire, or maybe you know her as plantifulsoul. either way, if you feel called to do so, maybe you can find some breath of air in her words as i did...https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdSx2rlQo4TAY-VZGthC6Dw

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