2019.

20/12/2019



As I sit in bed with tears in my eyes, I can hardly believe the year I have had. 2019 has less than one month left and I feel it is necessary to reflect on this fuckking whoppa of a year.
Right now I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. But...unlike last year, this year it is for all the right reasons. I feel myself overflowing with so so so (I cannot emphasize this enough) much gratitude and love. Love and gratitude. Love. Gratitude. Fuck. Just so much wholeness. As I write this I cannot believe how lucky I am. I am so happy. I am so so happy. I feel like this year has been a year of beauty. I want to be honest with you, Despite many people's experiences this year, for me it has been a year of simply beauty. Now, of course I have had some struggles, and some tears. Some heartache and some pain. But from where I was in 2018 to right now, the end of 2019, well man. This year hardly compares. I feel like this was the year I deserved. After one of the hardest years of my life (2018 I mean), fuck did I deserve this beautiful year I've had. I sit holding so much love in my heart. For the love I found, the love I have mended, the love that has flourished, and the love that has grown. In my relationships and within myself.
Recently, I was feeling as if I had fell out of alignment with myself. But, because of the strength I had to recognise this and to do something about it, I feel like I am finally falling back into myself. Writing and books and stillness and alone time. All things that, for a second there, I had sidelined, I had put in second place, they are beginning to creep back up my priorities. I am remembering the importance of finding comfort and joy in my own solitude. I am reminding myself the importance of being able to be alone. And the necessity that is putting myself first. Most of the time I want to be surrounded by my loves, the people in my life I adore more than words can express. But I find myself craving this. And I need to remind myself how much I love to spend time with me. And I am. I am remembering this. Through expression of dance, and art, and writing, I am remembering. I am feeling like myself again.
I feel 2019 has been my year. My year of self-expression, self-discovery and damn, well, my own fucking growth. Growing into me. And fuck that is beautiful. But it has also been my year to explore this outer world we live in. I feel it's been a lot of inner exploration but also, a serious amount of outer exploration. External relationships that feel oh so internally imprinted. I have met and connected to other human beings this year on a deeper level then I ever thought possible. The relationships and cosmic bonds I have formed have left their marks on my heart, and trust me when I say that these marks will stay with me forever. I have grown so much over the last two years, so much within. That I feel like this year was my chance to see the truly incredible repercussions of this inner growth. If I didn't believe in the law of attraction before, holy damn do I now. When I began to truly and fully embody the love I have for myself, and radiate this love driven, positive energy into the world, well it came right back at me. When I wasn't even looking, it's like it hit me straight in the face. Like a hit to my soul. I didn't believe it at first. I had become so comfortable and so accepting and so happy with being by myself. I don't wanna get into it too much as (would you believe it) I actually like to keep some things just to myself in my tangled lil mind of mine, but I'll say one thing. As the cliche goes, I had never been a "relationships person". But as I looked deeper within, and carved out the mess and got to the root of this belief, I faced the darkness and nurtured it in my arms. I unpacked this belief of mine until, well, I guess the only conclusion was I was wrong. I had a pain, something desperately aching to be healed, and when I allowed myself to recognise this and as I took on the process of healing this wound, I realised that label that I had stitched across my back was out of fear, it was limiting me from something fucking beautiful. I no longer let my life be led by fear. Fear had no seat at the decision making table of my mind. And more importantly, at the guiding position of my heart. Did that even make any sense? I don't know. But pretty much, now that I understood the core of this belief was rooted in fear, I conquered my fear and no longer allowed it to navigate my life.
Exploring and taking risks and diving head first.
This year I learned many things. One thing sticks out however, something I never knew I needed until, well, I did:
Taking risks, jumping out of your comfort zone and saying "fuck you" to your fears! I found myself disguising fears as "beliefs" or simple fact. But really, a belief that stems from fear is not really a belief at all, it is a misguided illusion masked to appear as a core belief cause this way it is easier to understand, easier to digest. It is a whole lot easier to justify something as it simply being your "belief" then to really address the root cause and face the demon lurking in the shadows of fear.
Another lesson I drew from this was to question everything. I think I mentioned this one last year in my reflection, but seriously, every year (fuck, every day), these lessons become more and more obvious and more and more prevalent in my life. I find myself frequently in situations they apply to and find myself being reminded of them more and more often.
If I'm being honest, after reflecting on and reading 2018's end of year reflection, I can confidently say every single lesson I talked about in that post, is still relevant and is still applicable to my life right now. Isn't that the crazy thing about lessons? They usually stay with you a lifetime haha... if you're lucky.
So although many lessons remain and continued into this year, as I'm sure they will into the new year, I also lean't new lessons in 2019. I was faced with new struggles and overcame new challenges. I conquered more fears, and poured love into old wounds. I am so grateful for 2019. A year of healing, and growth. Of love and more freakin love. Of gratitude and opportunities. Of challenges and fears. Of beauty and abundance. Of adventures and exploration. Of travel and culture. 2019 was such an amazing year... one I will forever be grateful for... and now for 2020.
A year of big changes and new adventures. A year I am so so unspeakably excited for. 2020, I am going to manifest harder than ever before. Love deeper than ever before. Adventure more than ever before. And heal further than ever before. 2020, I am ready for you. And I welcome in this new year with an open heart and open arms...
Let's take on this next chapter angels, together.

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