reflect.

This year has been one of the hardest years of my life.

I broke physically and mentally.

I felt so so much, all at once then none at all. 

It was easier to try to heal others wounds then face my own.

I was putting all my energy into people, even those who didn't want it,

I abandoned myself.

I had forgotten the days as a child when I would get sore cheeks from smiling.

I forgot what it felt like to dance in public without caring what anyone else thought.

I covered my insecurities with makeup rather then covering them with love.

I didn't allow my body to enjoy food.

I punished myself for eating, I constantly felt guilty.

My relationship with food became so distorted.

I hated my body and craved external validation.

I lost more than weight, I lost myself.

Likes and numbers on a screen determined my worth.

I would break down almost every night like clockwork.

Late into the night my thoughts would overflow.

I would rethink every conversation we had, overthink until I couldn't take it anymore.

Every inch of my body was tense and ached.

I felt a weight pressing down on my chest that nothing could lift.

I was suffocating.

Limiting and unquestioned beliefs filled my head.

I thought that it was normal to feel this way.

Like as a teenager you have to feel like this to fit it.

I wanted so desperately to fit in.

I relied on others opinions to feed my self worth.

I allowed labels to be sewn across my bruised back.

I got to the point where I truly believed it wouldn't get better.

I could honestly not remember what it felt like to be happy.

Like unless there was something placed in front of me to make me happy,

I was empty.

I read sad stories and listened to songs that made me cry.

Everything I was consuming fed the sadness.

I felt like I no longer had any light left within me.

Then I began to write.

I told stories to my pen and it painted them into existence. 

Words birthed from the womb of my wounds.

I began to consume things that only brought me joy.

I opened myself to ideas that, although new and unfamiliar to me,

resonated so deeply as if I had written them myself. 

I gave space to my emotions and felt things.

But this time with appreciation.

A veil of love over every feeling that passed through me. 

I accepted and appreciated all the emotions, good and bad.

I used my pain to grow.

To fuel my strength.

My suffering became a catalyst for my healing.

I wrote down everything.

How I was feeling.

The wounds and scars I had inflicted or allowed to be inflicted.

The lessons I had learned.

New beliefs I had conjured up on my own,

Despite what I had been conditioned to believe.

Writing has become my therapy.

Words my spells.

A way of manifesting my inner world into reality.

A way of sharing, learning, healing.

I surrender to my divine purpose and open my heart to my truth.

Learning to listen to my intuition.

My heart overflowing with love.

I am healing

I fill with joy as I write that sentence:

I am healing.

I love eating.

I love food and how it nourishes and fuels my body.

I love eating plants and all the gifts from mamma gaia.

I have gained weight, and despite what you may have been told,

This makes me so fucking happy.

I feel healthy, not guilty about food, not ashamed.

I see abundance. In absolutely everything.

I can't put into words how incredibly much I've learned in this past year.

More than I ever have before in my life. 

I have so so so much more to share with the world.

Pages and pages of scribbles and words that I need to share.

But I want to slow down.

Reflect on how incredibly far I've come.

Slowly I will share what I've learnt.

Slowly I will share the ancient wisdom I am uncovering from within me.

Generations of knowledge that has been suppressed is surfacing,

And I am here to listen. To learn. To absorb.

In this short time I am blessed to walk the earth I have so much I want to do.

Even just writing this I feel I have so much I want to say.

Like I could write forever.

But slowly I know I will share what I need to.

As long as I am absorbing it I will be able to share it.

In one way or another this creative fire burning within me will flow.

Through art, through life, I will share.

But I must give myself time.

So as much as I could keep writing forever,

I am stopping now.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Breathe.

Relax.

Flow.