reflect.

31/08/2018


This year has been one of the hardest years of my life.
I broke physically and mentally.
I felt so so much, all at once then none at all. 
It was easier to try to heal others wounds then face my own.
I was putting all my energy into people, even those who didn't want it,
I abandoned myself.
I had forgotten the days as a child when I would get sore cheeks from smiling.
I forgot what it felt like to dance in public without caring what anyone else thought.
I covered my insecurities with makeup rather then covering them with love.
I didn't allow my body to enjoy food.
I punished myself for eating, I constantly felt guilty.
My relationship with food became so distorted.
I hated my body and craved external validation.
I lost more than weight, I lost myself.
Likes and numbers on a screen determined my worth.
I would break down almost every night like clockwork.
Late into the night my thoughts would overflow.
I would rethink every conversation we had, overthink until I couldn't take it anymore.
Every inch of my body was tense and ached.
I felt a weight pressing down on my chest that nothing could lift.
I was suffocating.
Limiting and unquestioned beliefs filled my head.
I thought that it was normal to feel this way.
Like as a teenager you have to feel like this to fit it.
I wanted so desperately to fit in.
I relied on others opinions to feed my self worth.
I allowed labels to be sewn across my bruised back.
I got to the point where I truly believed it wouldn't get better.
I could honestly not remember what it felt like to be happy.
Like unless there was something placed in front of me to make me happy,
I was empty.
I read sad stories and listened to songs that made me cry.
Everything I was consuming fed the sadness.
I felt like I no longer had any light left within me.

Then I began to write.

I told stories to my pen and it painted them into existence. 
Words birthed from the womb of my wounds.
I began to consume things that only brought me joy.
I opened myself to ideas that, although new and unfamiliar to me,
resonated so deeply as if I had written them myself. 
I gave space to my emotions and felt things.
But this time with appreciation.
A veil of love over every feeling that passed through me. 
I accepted and appreciated all the emotions, good and bad.
I used my pain to grow.
To fuel my strength.
My suffering became a catalyst for my healing.
I wrote down everything.
How I was feeling.
The wounds and scars I had inflicted or allowed to be inflicted.
The lessons I had learned.
New beliefs I had conjured up on my own,
Despite what I had been conditioned to believe.

Writing has become my therapy.
Words my spells.
A way of manifesting my inner world into reality.
A way of sharing, learning, healing.
I surrender to my divine purpose and open my heart to my truth.
Learning to listen to my intuition.
My heart overflowing with love.
I am healing
I fill with joy as I write that sentence:
I am healing.
I love eating.
I love food and how it nourishes and fuels my body.
I love eating plants and all the gifts from mamma gaia.
I have gained weight, and despite what you may have been told,
This makes me so fucking happy.
I feel healthy, not guilty about food, not ashamed.
I see abundance. In absolutely everything.
I can't put into words how incredibly much I've learned in this past year.
More than I ever have before in my life. 
I have so so so much more to share with the world.
Pages and pages of scribbles and words that I need to share.
But I want to slow down.
Reflect on how incredibly far I've come.
Slowly I will share what I've learnt.
Slowly I will share the ancient wisdom I am uncovering from within me.
Generations of knowledge that has been suppressed is surfacing,
And I am here to listen. To learn. To absorb.
In this short time I am blessed to walk the earth I have so much I want to do.
Even just writing this I feel I have so much I want to say.
Like I could write forever.
But slowly I know I will share what I need to.
As long as I am absorbing it I will be able to share it.
In one way or another this creative fire burning within me will flow.
Through art, through life, I will share.
But I must give myself time.

So as much as I could keep writing forever,
I am stopping now.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Breathe.
Relax.
Flow.


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